The last piece of the puzzle

It has been almost a year now
I didn't understand how
One person could have
Such a hold over my heart
Command my thoughts with
Only a flick of her finger

I couldn't understand
Why I was allowing it
Why was I so powerless
I was never like this
It never took so much time
It was never so difficult

But now I know
I needed to end it all
And keep nothing for later
I needed not to just close the book
But also toss it into the fire
I needed to know that there was nothing
I could return to
Even if I wanted to
I needed not to just burn the bridge
But also to bring the city on the other side
Down to ashes

Last night
I took a ton of dynamite
And stormed in
With much pain
I blew everything I cared about
High into the fucking sky
With much pain
I put my thumb on the trigger
And pressed it as hard
As I fucking could
And made sure
Not a trace of the old was left
But amongst the rubble
I found the last piece of the puzzle
Which I thought was forever lost
It undid inside me a knot
That had been tightly tied around my mind
I felt a tiny bit of freedom, finally

It brings me immense sadness to have done
What I did, but it was the only way out
And for the first time
I shall deal with the consequences of what I have done myself
And not what others have done for me
The aftermath of which they were too scared off
The aftermath of which I had to deal with by myself
Every single fucking time
The aftermath of the things that were said and done in secrecy
Without my knowledge

Mistake me not, these words of mine
Aren't pleas of sympathy
Your sympathy can dig a hole for itself
And bury itself alive for all I care
It neither has the power to change the past
Or alter the future
What should have not been
Has come to be

I will not suffer through this anymore
I shoud never have
If I had known my feelings would be made out to be a joke
Things would have been very different
They might have even gotten violent

However, there is nothing left
And I don't care anymore
Let me peel this new skin I seem to I have on
And show the world a peak of what I once was
A fucking monster

2 thoughts on “The last piece of the puzzle

  1. This feels freeing and like a metamorphosis. It’s so vulnerable especially the less one cares about how the world sees them as they once were. I can resonate with this. It’s beautifully penned and raw.

    Liked by 1 person

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